So many presents, so little time, Santa won't be coming around my house this year, 'cos I tried to drown my sister and I pierced my ear, Oh mama made it perfectly clear, Santa don't like bad boys...especially Jewish ones.
Gnip-gnop and lego blocks are all that I desire, so why did I have to set the pizza guy's hair on fire, I told him I was sorry, I'm a liar, so no toys for me...I don't deserve them.
I couldn't wait for a big wheel as the holiday neared, but then I told my grandma that she had a beard.
Dear Santa,
I know what my problem is, why I can't be good, it's a fear of intimacy. You see my whole life whenever I've met someone really great like you and I keep feeling like I'm getting close to them, something inside me makes me want to screw it up. So in a weird way the reason I'm so bad is because I love you santa.
Rock-em Sock-em Robots is what I was hoping for, but then I made a death threat to vice president Gore, oh santa won't be knocking on my door, 'cos he's a big fat whore...what made me say that?
Chutes and ladders would be so good indeed, so why'd I have to sell that cop a bag of weed, so Santa please give me that easy bake oven, I swear I thought billy goats we're made for lovin'.
So Santa won't you accept my apologies, Santa can't you see I'm begging you please, oh Santa next year I'll do you right, Live from New York it's Saturday night...
[Billy Idol (Speaking):] Good afternoon everyone. We're flying at 26,000 feet, moving up to thirty thousand feet, and then we've got clear skies all the way to Las Vegas, and right now we're bringin you some in-flight entertainment. One of our first-class passengers would like to sing you a song inspired by one of our coach passengers, and since we let our first-class passengers do pretty much whatever they want, here he is.
[Robbie Hart (Singing):] I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad Carry you around when your arthritis is bad All I wanna do is grow old with you
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches Build you a fire if the furnace breaks Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you
I'll miss you Kiss you Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you Feed you Even let ya hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink I could be the man who grows old with you I wanna grow old with you
[Spoken] Ok, I just want to warn you that when I wrote this song I was listening to the Cure a lot.
[Sung] You don't know how much I need you. While you're near me I don't feel blue. And when we kiss I know you need me too. I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true.
But it all was bullshit. It was a goddamn joke. And when I think of you Linda, I hope you fucking choke.
I hope you're glad with what you've done to me. I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy. You left me here all alone, tears running constantly.
Oh somebody kill me please, somebody kill me plee-ase, I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please kill me.
I want to die. Put a bullet in my head.
[Spoken] [Girl:] I liked it. [Guy:] He's losing his mind... and I'm reaping all the benefits
Mama was the one who reached down and tied my shoelace. Mama spit on her fingers and used it to clean dirt off my face.
Brush your teeth, Q-tip your ear, take off your sister's new brassiere. Watch PBS, not Deputy Dawg, don't you eat that Lincoln Log.
Oh mama I still don't believe it's true: The tooth fairy was you. No Way!
I love you maaaaaama, more than than paaaastrama, way more than Jeffrey Daaaahma, even more than my NFL paaaaajamas.
Mama always calmed down dad when he got too mean. Like the time he almost hit me for stealing his Juggs magazine.
Stop your jumping, you'll break the bed. Don't you fill up on the bread. Take those Take those (trying to read cue card) Take ... carrots out of your nose, that's not a hat that's pantyhose. Don't play baseball in your suit, that Magnum PI's very cute. Don't forget Vick's Vapor-rub, stop masturbating in the tub. Thanks for making corn beef hash, and putting powder on my rash. (So much better.)
I love you maaaaaama, more than golf with Arnold Paaaaalmaaaa, more than yellow moons in Lucky Chaaaaamaaaas, Def Leppard's drummer only had one aaaaaaamaaa.
Oh, Mrs. Nealon, yes it's true, Kevin's gonna sing to you.
Come on Kevin.
I love you maaaaaama
Come on, keep goin'.
More than films by Brian DePaaaaalmaaaa.
Thanks for being my date to the praaaaamaaaa.
Thanks for writing that note to the draft board that said I was gay so I got out of Vietnaaaamaaa.
Mom your way better than the World Trade Center baaaaamaaaa.
Who's name by the way is Mohamed Salaaaamaaa.
I love you even more than Richard Gere loves the Dali Laaaaahmaaa.
And Richard Gere was also good in "Sommersby", which was a melodraaaamaa.
Oh, all you moms out there oughta know, we kids love you so.
Have a Happy Mother's Day. Thank you very much! Thank you!
Put your arms around me babe, Can't you see I need you so? Hold me close against your skin, 'Cause I'm about to begin Lovin' you.
Spit on your hand and stroke my cock at a medium pace. Play with my balls and tell me how big they are. Honey rub your beaver up and down my face. Now sit on the corner of the bed and watch me whack off.
You see that shampoo bottle? Now, stick it up my ass. Push it in and out at a medium pace. Talk about your old boyfriend's dick and how big it was. Now shave off my pubs and punch me in the face.
Darling, make me push my dick and balls back between my legs. Call me an ugly woman and take my picture to show all the people you work with.
Now pull up my scrotum and take that shampoo bottle out of my ass. Pretend I'm the pizza delivery guy and watch me whack off. Strap on a dildo and make me give you head. Now tell me slow down and do it at a medium pace.
I feel so humiliated. I'm about to blow my load. You tell it's time to make love but I can't 'cuz I spewed all over myself. Then you look into my eyes, then you realize How much I enjoy loving you. oh. I'm so sorry I spunked all over my stomach. Maybe next time I'll be better at loving you.
Oh, shit, is that them crazy fucks from across town? They didn't see me, did they? Fuck it, they headin this way! Damn! Gotta be somewhere to hide around here! No bushes, no trees, what the fuck!? I'll just hide my ass in this garbage can! There we go, safe and sound... No motherfucker's gonna find me here! Shit, I'll just wash my clothes later!
[Gangsters] Where'd you run to, you candy ass motherfucker? You can hide all you want, but when we find you we still gonna fuck you up! See you tomorrow, bitch! [gunshots]
No you won't, cause I'm gonna stay in my basement all day... I sure fooled them stupid fucks, hehehe...
[Woman] I'll be right there honey! Just let me throw these dirty diapers out!
[Man] Okay, baby
[Woman] Man, they stink! That baby couldn't stop shittin today!
[Man] I know, baby
I don't care, baby shit don't mean nothin cause I'm safe and sound! Shit, no one can fuck with me in this tin can! I'm a motherfuckin untouchable! Yeah, yeah!
When I'm at the bus stop and you drive by in your mom's car You tell me the bus already left Cause you're my best friend! When I'm at the locker and my shirt's buttoned wrong You tell me to fix it Cause you're my best friend Best friends tell you you got boogers on your nose Best friends don't laugh when you wear your grandpa's clothes You're my best friend! When those guys ripped up my ticket for the Mariah Carey show You told me it wasn't that great Cause you're my best friend (You're my best friend!) When those guys gave me the wrong directions to Mark Hagen's party You told me it wasn't that great Cause you're my best friend! (You're my best friend!) Best friends tell you when you got Cheetos in your teeth Best friends dont ring your doorbell then punch you in the chest You're my best friend! (Best friends!) Dont call you Pit Stains or Marphy (Best friends!) Way back when you waved hello! (Best friends!) Don't hold their nose and point at you (Best friends!) Help you find your hat Oh, you're not just a friend You're my best friend (Take it!) When those mean girls stole my pants and tied me to the front gate of the school You told the teacher I was out there Why? Cause you're my best friend! (You're my best friend!) When Mr. Koocher's dog ran at me and bit me in the stomach You were playing football so you couldn't help but I know you would've Cause you're my best friend (You're my best friend!) (Best friends!) Don't kneel behind you while the other guys push you (Best friends!) Don't step on your sandwiches! (Best friends!) Help you out of the caf. garbage can (Best friends!) Don't tell you that Tracy Garner wants to dance with you Oh, you're not just a friend... you're my best friend! Oh, you're not just a friend! You're my best... friend! Call me back!
Yo it's 2004 and all you candy asses thinkin ya'll real pussies ya'll ain't seen shit yet eh yo man let em know
Oh yeah, guess who's back it's the mother fuckin pussy with the little nutsack don't care about cheddar or the paper chase i'm a fuckin grown man with zits on my face a straight up chicken shit a pansy ass punk If i'm if i'm guarding your ass it's an automatic slam dunk while thugs are at the party bustin all ya'lls asses I'm hidin in the corner wonderin where the fuck's my glasses Can't afford no rims my my fuckin dick's so small no bitch can suck it I don't pop 9's i got weak rhymes back in 9 duce i got pissed on 10 times I roll solo i ain't got no clue i said please don't hit me more than a cow says moo afraid of heights i'm a-scared in the dark i walk an extra 3 miles to avoid crazy fucks in the park denied by the bloods, turned down by the crypts my fuckin auntie kicked my ass and she got 2 plastic hips when i step to the club feel free to stare me down because I just got re-elected the mayor of pussytown
May-or-of-pus-sy-town
When bangers hit the street i stay home and watch tv slumped out on the couch so no one can see unless I hear somebody knockin on my door then you'll see me crawlin cross the mother fuckin floor i've been a fuckin coward every day of my life, that's why I pretend I don't know everyone's banging my wife i won't sit on the porch, i don't want no trouble i'm more afraid of goin out than the fuckin boy in a bubble when the shit goes down i make a break so fast look like a mother fuckin rocket goin past searchin for the sneakiest place to hide straight into the ladies room, ain't got no pride slippin slidin, runnin hidin you know damn well it's a scooter i'm ridin oh no here we go, out come the glocks i take off so fast i pop out my socks you gonna fuck with me, i'll cry then run i called the cops when i got shot with a fuckin squirt gun
He clams up he shuts down His pants he almost shits He'll even look the other way if you grab his grandma's tits
well I had a little poodle but neighbor's stoled her i'd shoot her with an ak but the kick hurts my shoulder i can't pop no gun and i can't fist fight hell i'm afraid to take out the fuckin garbage at night I use the steps in the pool cause i'm terrified to dive don't fuck with my floaties they's whats keepin me alive, bitch never drank remy never delt crack one time I smoked weed i had a panic attack if you're looking for my dick in the mens locker room just bring your binoculars with a fuckin super zoom naw i'm just playin i don't fuckin change in there the one time I did got my bush sprayed off with nair but did I stick up for myself no fuckin doubt i did what i do best, i broke the fuck out i ain't lookin at you i ain't tryin to front it's aight with me you called my jimmy a cunt
freakin sneakin crawlin creepin when the gangs are bangin i'm in the basement sleepin i'm straight from the streets seen trouble in every side when the shit hits the fan i throw on a fuckin disguise
fake nose fake wig fake beard it all worked pretty good sometimes I just use a map and a funny accent and pretend I got lost in the hood mother fucker
now all you coward mother fuckers out there walkin round with your head hangin low just cause you ate one dick just know my man the mayor, had to suck off his whole high school case closed
My girlfriend left me for a seven foot Indian My grandma hung herself on a tree in the Caribbean My sister's on the dope and my brother always picks his nose And Daddy's only happy when he's wearing Mama's pantyhose, yeah I just lost my job to a God damn robot (Good times!) Then my dog got in the freeze box, he ate everything I got
But I've got my mule He's a very, very nice mule He walks with me home from school Cause he's a very, very nice mule
When he was a baby my mother fed him gruel But now he prefers to dine on his own stool He always philosophizes with the rabbis after shul Cause he's a very, very pious mule
When he sees a picture of a carrot he has a tendency to druel On Halloween he tries to scare me by dressing up as a ghoul He once challenged someone who stole my hat to a duel Cause he's a very, very Old school mule
A needle-nosed plier is his favorite tool He lifeguards on a volunteer basis and the Rec. Center pool When I break down on the side of the road he shows up with unleaded fuel He's a devoted fan of Ms. Paula Abdul
And also approves of the recent makeover of former folkie Jewel [coughing] When I told him Halle Berry's husband cheated he just shook his head and said to himself 'what a fool' Cause he's a very, very monogamous mule
[snoring] Porkchop! Wake up, man, the session's not over!
After several well-publicized arrests for public urination he now drinks exclusively O'Doul And every year he puts on a presentation at the Boys Club to show kids smoking isn't cool His favorite Elvis song is 'Don't be Cruel', no it's 'Hound Dog' I was just kidding you
Fuck it, I'm gonna go get another beer. You guys want one?
Alright...
Two Please!
Oh boy...
Hahahaha
[phone rings]
Hello?... Yeah, yeah, cool, we're all just hangin out... Alright Bye-bye...
Who was that, some chicks?
Nah, it was my neighbor, his robot's comin over
What?
Yeah, he built a robot a while ago and the robot came out gay
Yo, we're out of Hunnyduffers so I grabbed a couple of Gooseheads...
Okay, that's cool...
Wait, so the robot's gay?
Gay Robot's comin over?
Yep...
Oh, dude, you gotta see this, he's insane with football stats
No way!
[doorbell rings]
It's open!
Hey guys... what's up?
Hey, good to see ya Gay Robot...
Gay Robot in the house!
Word up... what's the score, fuckers?
Giants are eatin shit in the third quarter, it's 24-8 Miami...
Don't worry, the Giants have phenominal fourth quarter numbers...
Really?
They'll come back and win by three
Alright!
I love it!
Fuck you guys!
Sorry, buddy...
Who's the new guy?
Oh, that's my friend John.
Hey John... sweet hat!
Uh... thanks... what's goin on?
You know... just chillin... can I suck your dick?
What?
No, no, no, no, he's okay, Gay Robot...
That was funny...
The Gay Robot gets a little horny cause he doesn't know any gay guys around here...
Oh, I see...
Sorry!
hehehe...
Oh, I can't believe you dropped that! Do something, Henderson, you fat fuck!
Hey! That was very offensive to me!
Why? You're not fat...
I thought you said fag!
No, i wouldn't say that, I said fat...
Oh, sorry!
hahaha
I guess if you fist fuck me, we'll be even!
No, I'm not gay, Gay Robot...
I thought you said you were?
No... You know I never said that...
I know, I was just rousing you! Good times! Good times guys!
Hahahaha
Hey, Gay Robot's havin a good time!
So how do you think the Eagles are gonna do this season, Gay Robot?
Let's find out! [whirring, beeping noises] Says here, due to injuries and irratic weather patterns, the Eagles will finish a dismal 7-9
What? No way!
Deal with it
The Gay Robot knows his shit, man
Now will someone blow it on my face?
Nobody's gay here but you, Gay Robot, so let's just watch some football, alright?
Look, I'm not here to bring the party down... It's just... I run on semen... Without it, I could die... Help me to live fellas... Jerk off in my mouth immediatly... Please, my circuits are shorting... Starting to fade already... See a light... Going towards it....
hahahahah
You're makin this up, Gay Robot!
My bad! You got me! Hahaha... good times!
Hahaahaha...
So does he eat food like us... human people?
Yeah, he can eat food...
Ya want some tortilla chips, Gay Robot?
Sounds great, John. Can I dip them in your ass?
Ooh...
I'm all set, thanks
Hehehe...
What the fuck?! The reception's all fuzzy!
Are you kidding me?
Don't panic... I can fix it
Oh hey! That's right! I love it, work your robot magic, fix that shit!
Okay, here's the problem!
My man! What is it?
Your cock's not in my asshole!
Aww.... Maybe you should go home and take a cold shower, Gay Robot...
Alright... I'll go... We'll just whack each other off and I'll bail
Not gonna happen
Please?
Goodbye
Fuck you
Later Gay Robot
[fly unzips]
Oh no! Look what happened! My robo-cock fell out of my pants!
There's something I know That no one else does You want me to tell you what it is? But if I did that then it wouldn't be, a secret
I've gotta move my body tonight, I'm gonna go dancin' Dreamin' bout the nights at the club, with the fun and romancin'
Mommy sees the look in my eyes, she can tell something's different Daddy doesn't understand why, but he can tell something's different
I've got a secret, my own little secret No one knows my secret, cause it's a secret. Secret.
Shhh don't tell, Shhh don't tell I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell
And nobody knows that my bush is cut low as I dance and I sing and I put on a show And i'm feeling so free, nothing hanging off me while the bass gets stronger, I'm a half an inch longer
And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin Fuckin and suckin, Fuckin and suckin!
Music if fillin my body from my head to my toes The DJ gives me a smile, maybe he knows I hear whisperin from my left to my right, all over the party i'm the super-star of the night, I did something naughty
I gave myself a haircut, don't tell I'd like to tell you where but, don't tell I've got a secret, don't tell It's my own secret
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
And I feel so special and so beautiful As I reach down and give my new friend a quick pull I'm scratchy and itchy and a little bit bitchy and if I find scissors i'd trim my friend Ritchie
And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin!
I can wear my pants extra low tonight
My secret's gettin out of control, it's burstin out of me Gotta drop my pants to the floor, so the whole club can see The special way I trim my curlies, so fuzzy and soft Cause when my shrub is short and tight my piggie won't get lost
I had a secret, don't tell But now you know my secret, don't tell I gave my bush some haircuts, don't tell To emphasize my bare nuts
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin!
[Arsenio (Chris Rock):] Now don't leave us hanging with just that.
[JP:] Yeah, I hear that, Arsenio. Yo guys, lets kick it!
[Music starts playing]
[JP:] Yo now, before we start singing, You also want to know in addition to writing our own songs, we also do our own choreography.
[JP:] Girl, I can't stop thinking of you girl, Y-O-U, spells girl. Woke up this morning, put on my own clothes, cause the ladys' not here, to help us no more. Went down to the store, I got myself some juice, its tasted good and fresh and I love you.
[All:] Girl, you are wicked awesome.
[DC:] I buttoned up my own shirt, whew!
[All:] Because, you girl...
[RS:] Whenever I make my own plane reservations...
[All:] I think of you girl, cause girl you are wicked awesome!
[AS:] My name is Donny, and I'm here to say They call me Donny, cause that's my name. Banana's are good in every way, An apple a day, keeps the doctor away, Purina Cat Chow -
[All:] Chow, chow, chow.
[AS:] If my friends could only see me now, I'm walking, I'm talking, McCauly Caukin, Roger Clemmons was called for walking. Word, Sister!
I want you to come on over here, fish my cock out of these trousers, and suck on it for a while!
Sir, I don't think I can do something like that!
Oh, you can and you will, bitch! Kneel down, now!
What if someone comes in?
You think I give a flying fuck about that shit? You get over here and you start suckin it!
Well, alright...
Yeah! Yeah, that's it! Reach in there! Reach in there and get yourself some candy
Okay...
Okay, a little lower, though...
Umm... alright...
Little... little lower...
Yeah?
No, to the left!
Left?
Damn, bitch, do I gotta do everything? Pull down my pants!
O.. Okay...
Now the tighty whities, pull that shit down too
Mmmm....
Watch out now, here it comes! Boing! Now what you think of that?
What do I think of what?
This! My ding-a-ling! Come on, play with the shit a little
Uh, okay...
Lower, baby! Gettin warmer...
Okay...
Let me pull the fatty rolls apart, spring that shit out for ya
Yeah, that would help
Whoop, there it is!
Haha... What the fuck is that?
Play with the shit
Okay...
That's right, jack it up and down
Well...
Up and down!
Well, it's hard to grab onto!
Keep tryin, you thick fingered bitch! Use your pinkies!
Oh, okay... I'll try that
Yeah, now we got it goin on...
Yeah?
Let me fuck those pinkies...
Okay...
Yeah...
Okay...
Keep pressure on the sides of it, baby, keep it sprung! Yeah! Tell me how much you love it
Ooh, I love it
Tell me it makes you horny
Ooh, I'm gettin real horny
Tell me it's bigger than a Tic Tac
But it isn't!
I don't give a shit if it is or isn't! Say it is!
Alright! Your dick is bigger than a Tic Tac!
Damn right, Tic Tac, cashew, thumbtack, half a grape, it's bigger than all that shit!
All that shit put together!
Now don't get crazy on me, bitch, let's keep this shit semi-real
Aw, I like a man who shaves down here!
I don't shave that shit, bitch! I'm still waitin on them weeds to bust out and grow and what not!
What? You mean you haven't reached puberty?
I guess the only way to get you to shutup is to throw a dick in your mouth!
Okay...
Well, then suck on that shit!
Uh, okay... Mmmm... yeah, I'm suckin... suckin away here
That's a pimple, you dumb twat!
Ugg...
Move your mouth lower!
Mmmmm
Oh, oh yeah, now you're on it! You're on it!
I'm on it?
That's it!
Okay!
Oh, that feels nice!
Okay!
Oh, hell yeah!
Yeah, there you go!
Oh, oh, shit, fuck, ow!!
What's wrong?
It's caught between your teeth! Get it out! Get it out!
I'm sorry, sir!
Don't be flossin with that shit, you gap-toothed bitch! Be careful!
Look, maybe I should just lick it then, okay?
Do somethin!
Im gonna lick it! Cause I love to lick that thing, okay?
Yeah...
Yeah, baby...
Yeah!
Yeah, you like that, baby?
Oh, yeah!
Whoah, whoah, whoah!!! Somethin just spewed all over my face!
That was the pimple again!
Oh, uh uh...
Let me reiterate. Down. Lower. Bitch!
Okay, you fat fuck!
What's that?
I'm just playin with ya, haha...
Oh, you better be playin! Oh yeah, that's it, now you're on it!
I'm on it?
Oh, oh smoke that roast, bitch...
Okay...
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, slow down, not so fast!
Oh, okay
I got shit I wanna do to you, woman!
Oh boy...
Time to pull your dress off... You're gonna get fucked!
I don't know, sir, I mean... is that... is that really possible?
Don't give me no lip, bitch! You want me to smack you in the face with this shit?
Hahahahaha
"Hahaha" you laughin now? Get the fuckin dress off!
Well, alright, but you have to promise me you're gonna use a condom
You know I can't wear that shit!
I do, I'm just playin! Hahahaha
Condom! You've been watchin too many of those XXX movies, seein that fake dick shit those actors have hangin off their real dicks
Those aint fake dicks, those are real big dicks!
Bitch, I suppose you think Star Wars is real, too! That they really got space ships and Chewbaki and all that shit! Stupid, colorful bitch! Hahahaha!
Alright, my panties are off... You gonna try to fuck me now, or what?
Try? I'm gonna fuck your eyes crossed, you apathetic bitch! Wham, wham, wham! How you like me now, bitch, how you like me now?
Is it seriously in?
In? You gotta stop fuckin all them rhinos and blue whales! Not only is it in, but the shit's about to blow! Ooooh! Mmmm... Hope you're on the pill, bitch, cause I blew that wad all up in ya
I.. I got it, it's right on the end of this hair, here
Shit, yeah, clean yourself up, bitch. There's a beach towel in my bathroom
I'll just use this Q-tip
Whatever, just do it and get the fuck back to work!
Okay, BB Dick!
What's that?
I'm just playin! Bye!
Shit, what a life I've got... It's good to be Mr. Peter Bodd... Damn good...
When I was just a little wee lad I hopped on the lap of my dear old dad Something jumped and poked me good 'That' he said 'just me morning wood' A little tin soldier's marchin by Sergeant major unzips his fly Pulls his weapon from his camouflage pants Slaps away til it starts to dance
A shootin star's above my bed Changin colors of my mushroom head A rainbow jizz flys across the room Little white spermies meet their doom
(Ah!) The amazing Willy Wanker! (Aaaah!) The amazing Willy Wanker! And my scrotum sack he says Lalalalalala, tickle me!
Little green men from outer space Here to exterminate the human race Drop their ray guns and retreat to their ships When marshmallow sauce squirts from me tip Like a knight of olden Camelot The goo takes off like an arrow shot Gwynevere drops to her knees and begs For the spittin dragon between me legs
I'm using my thing for what it's for Gentle knock upon me door Mumsy drops her cup of tea When she sees my wank standing tall and free
(Ah!) The one and only Willy Wanker! (Aaaaah!) Here comes Willy Wanker! And my marble sack he says Lalalalalala, tickle me!
Rasberry scones and marmalade! Squeezing my squid in the evening shine! Visions of mermaids in the sky! Shooting my load in me own left eye!
Gramps was a hero in the first World War But he ain't got no dick no more Comes home smokin from the corner pub Makes poor old Gramsy kiss his nub The world spins around like a big bass drum Nanny pops a pinkie in the generals bum The Irish dance and the Scotsmem howl Time to clean up with the washroom towel
(Ah, yeah!) It's only Willy Wanker, yeah! (Ah!) The lonely Willy Wanker! And my wrinkled sack he says Lalalalalala, tickle me!
Alright, Mr. Pibb, those kneepads on tight enough?
Snug as a bug in a rug playin Dig Dug, my friend!
Uh huh...
I'm all set to give this skitchboard a whirl!
Okay, we should really put a helmet on you first...
Well... helmet has the word 'hell' in it, and I don't know about you, sonny, but I ain't no sinner...
No, you're not...
When my time comes, I'm on my way to heaven, so I won't be puttin one of those demon contraptions on my head!
Okay, Pibb... Just remember that the half pipe ain't the easiest thing to do...
Never mind all that, boy! It's only half the pipe! Let's be concerned when they got the whole thing here!
Right...
Now can we get to the skitchboardin?
Okay, okay... How bout we just get you on the board?
Can do!
Make sure you keep your knees bent...
Can do do!
Good job...
Now how bout a little pushky to get me started?
Okay, but go easy
Hell, this is simple as a pimple!
Yeah, yeah, you're doin pretty good there buddy!
It's quite similar to my youth when I'd sprinkle my brother's marble collection all over the basement floor, glue a plank to my feet, and skim around all the live long day!
Is that right?
Oh, how my father detested that sound!
I'm sure...
Ho, ho
Ha, yeah... you better take it down a notch there, Pibb... you're startin to pick up a little too much speed...
Nonsense, check this out! Whoo, hoo!
You got some air there, Pibb, lookin like a natural!
It's all about the balance, and I'm darn good with that! Just ask my banker! Hahaha
I'll get right on that...
Say, what's the record for loop-de-loos on one of these things?
Uh.....rotations?
Well, ain't you fancy?
Yeah, Tony Hawk did a 900 once, that's two and a half rotations...
It wasn't too painful a paddle out here to the big waves as you like to call em, Sonny!
Didn't look it
Actually, it was a nice wake-me-up for my laticerace muscles
Water's pretty nice, huh?
Boy, oh boy, the Hawaiin sea's like a warm cup of java! Temperaturo perfecto as the Africans might say!
Yeah, yeah... So listen to me for a sec, when the set comes in, just stay flat on the board, pointed towards the beach. I'll tell you when to start paddelin, and keep paddelin til the wave grabs you
I hear ya! Let Mother Nature do her duty!
Right on...
Right now!
Yeah, right now...
Yeah!
Then when I say stand up, hop up quick like I showed ya and ride
Affirmative, captain!
But don't go too far right, there's a lot of nasty coral over there
Well here comes a triple overheader right now! Let me tear into that sucker!
I dunno, that's comin awfully steep, Pibb
No steeper than that tsunami I rode back in 1928 on my grandpappy's TV tray! Let's do this!
You're the boss, Pibb... Start paddelin, now!
Will do!
Paddle! Paddle! Paddle!
Paddle, paddle, fiddle faddle! I love it!
Okay, okay, you're in it, baby! Stand up! Stand up, Pibb!
I'm standin! I'm standin! Whoo hoo, I'm up!
Yeah, man! Way to go Pibb!
I'm speedin along here!
[different man] Hey, old man, you better pull out before you hit that reef!
Well, thanks, amigo, but I didn't come out here for no six second ride!
Bail out, Pibb!
Not until I get the tube! Aaaah!!!
[crashing and cracking noises]
[different man from before] Oh, nasty brudda!
Hang on, Pibb, I'll be right there! Oh my God, that was sick! You okay, Mr. Pibb!?
Though I have been a fool for love I have finally made my score I got a girl, and I don't mean to boast But she loves me the most Even though she's a highly paid whore She'll give head to a sheep She can stuff three cocks in her cheek But she comes home to me She'll do the groom and the best man She'll slap your ass in the back of a van But she comes home to me She could fuck nine guys in a row But still have a tenth for me And I'm the only one who gets to kiss them lips Unless you pay an extra fifty So mister, don't you fall in love Cause I'm the only cat who doesn't wear a glove Since her heart belongs to me She has a throat that just won't quit She can take all of it And still have room for your balls but she shops in the malls for me She'll say twelve then call back and say one But I don't care I know it's just work not fun When she blows you, Jack Don't you think she's not thinking of me She'll go down on a yack, lick a horse's nutsack But strictly for the cash And it's only me who doesn't pay a fee to watch her put a water bottle in her gash (Put a water bottle in her gash) She'll let you suck her nips till they're leakin' But don't you dare try to go antique-ing Cause she does that with me Her pussy's sweet as honey But when she moans, it's just for the money Unless she's sittin' on me She'll cram your asshole with a mouse But she won't do it in our house Tough luck, Jack She knows that don't fly with me She might eat your wife's box But she won't tell ya where you left your socks She rolled up and down your fat prick But it was me who took her to the Meg Ryan flick She's got a face full of nuts And a mouth full of cocks She's done Seal, Larry King, four New Kids on the Block, She blew the Winnepeg Jets right after a game But they never got to know her actual name On your face she will piss On your chest she might poop But she won't prepare her famous vegetable soup That's simply reserved.. Oh she'll bite ya, she'll spank ya But she'll never thank you for free Cause baby... comes home to me. Comin' home!!
Holy shit, this boat is sweet uncle donnie. It must be fast and shit. This fucking boat's got more balls then the fuckin celtic's lockeroom. Yeah but it musta cost you like 50 Gs or something. One might think that but guess what? It didn't cost me jack shit. What do you mean? I stole it out of a winter storage parking lot. No fucking way! You shitten me? Yeah, paintjob, change of the license and bingo here we are sunny times. Oh yeah, the sun is extra fucking hot, I had to stop drinking or I was gonna pass out. I didn't eat all day, I'm extra fucking buzzed.
Lyrics Detail for The Psychotic Legend Of Uncle Donnie
[Donald:] Welcome back on this glorious sunday afternoon for the final round of the Enbuary classic. The legendary Champion is now approaching the 18’th tee off with an insomauntible 8th stroke lead.
[The Champion:] Well let’s wrap this thing up
[Donald:] The gallery lets the champion know what a fine three days of golf he has had. The always charming Champion is now taking time to high five a young spectator and the boy, the boy is awestruck. Haha, the gallery erupts into delight
[Random person in the gallery:] Go get them champ!
[Donald:] Yes Yes. I think it would be hard to find in any sport a champion who is as beloved as this one. And the encouraging gallery goes silent. Eight strokes ahead of the pack, the Champion slowly starts his back swing.
[Honking car horn]
[Champion:] Four! (Hit the golf ball.)
[Donald:] Oh no no! Apparently the honking horn had some sort of concentration effect on the champion’s usual monstrous drive.
[Champion:] Is that Greag normen’s kid or something?
[Gallery begins to laugh.]
[Donald:] The Champion shakes it off and makes some sort of humorous remark about the horn to the gallery and they eat it up.
[Champion:] Let’s get the ball back on the field.
[Donald:] Yes Yes, well now the Champion, his Caddy, and the elendent gallery make their way to the Champion’s ball, which is unfortunately larged next to a very thick tree route. The champion and his caddy talk it over. He;s going to play it safe and punch out with a 7 iron with a 8 stroke lead this is simply smart play by the legendary Champion. He approaches the ball.. let’s watch.
[Champion:] Take a swing at the ball hitting the tree route in the process
[Donald:] Oh,well I.. I don’t think that’s what the Champion had in mind when he took that swing. The ball is now 10 yards.. um into the woods after ricoshaying off the tree route, and ther’s a look of pain on the Champion’s face. He is shaking his hands as if to say I did not have a strong enough grip on the club when I hit the tree route, and my hands are stinging quite badly.
[Champion: (Start Grunting)]
[Donald:] The Champion is starting to mutter some obscenities about the car horn, which if you just joined us blew earlier during the champion’s back swing at the 18’th tee off. Well now his caddy and friend of 25 years, Mr. Skipijankings, is doing every thing he can to get the champion’s mind back on track.
[Skipijankings: (Say line during: is doing every thing he can...)] Forget about the car horn, let’s just win this thing!
[Champion:] Hahah, you’re right.
[Donald:] What wonderful veteran words of wisdom. The Champion nods in agreement, and heads into the woods to set up for his third shot which he will have to play out of a dreadfully muddy lie. He’s sticking with his 7 iron closes the club face a little. He starts his swing.
[Champion:] (Swing at ball)
[Donald:] And the ball did not move, um if anything it’s a little deeper in the mud.
[Champion:] What is this fucking quick sand?!
[Donald:] The Champion is now conferring with coarse marshal, David Canner.
[Champion:] What do I do next?
[David:] Gonna have to drop one.
[Donald:] And yes i.. it has been ruled that his ball is unplayible, he will take a drop and a one stroke penally.
[Champion: (Start laughing a bit too hard as if you where drunk)]
[Donald:] and the Champion is now laughing very hard, uh one might say a little too hard, but none of the less, he drops his new Areo Fly Ball and resumes play.
[Gallery: (Start to clap)]
[Donald:] Back with his trusty 3 wood, the Champion lines up his shot. He starts his back swing.
[Champion: (Fart)]
[Donald:] He flatuates. Stops his swing, and steps away from his ball, and whispers something too his caddy, Mr. Skipijankings.
[Skipijankings:] Wha? What do you mean you got to take a Shit?
[Champion:] I’ve got to shit.
[Skipijankings:] Finish the fucking hole, we’ve got to win this mother fucker!
[Random man in gallery:] Jesus Christ man!
[Donald:] Well now the Champion is staring angrily at his caddy. He continues to star for quite some time, and then abruptly walks back to his ball; not taking much time set up at all he swings,
[Champion: (Swing at the ball.)]
Connects, a Smash of a hit!
[Gallery:] (applaud)
[Donald:] Starting to slice, oh no it goes directly into the center of a man-made water hazard!
[Champion:] You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!
[Donald:] The Champion slowly walks over to his golf bag, unzips it, and pulls out, hmm what I believe is a 16 oz silver beverage container and starts drinking in large gulps. Why don’t we take this time for a word from our sponcers, and then we will return to our final round coverage of the Enbuary Classic. (Whispers: Well I have no idea what he was thinking)
[ANNOUNCER GUY:] What do 17 major championships, over 6 million dollars in prize money, and the complete domination of the sport of golf have in common? Two things: The Champion, and Areo Fly Balls. Areo Fly Balls, they just seem to go further. If it’s good enough for the Champion, don’t you think it’s good enough for you.
[Donald:] Well welcome back to our final round coverage of the Enbuary Classic.
[Random Man: (Say this during the beginning)] PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON!
[Champion:] I’ll tell you one thing. no one’s fucking up me in my hole.
[Donald:] As we join the action,
[Champion:] Because thay are fucking ugly
[Donald:] We can see his caddy and long time friend, Mr. Skipijankings, trying to cox the Champion out of the sand trap where he is presently on his back making a snow angle.
[Skipijankings:] Get up! GET THE FUCK UP. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
[Champion:] All right (get out of hole)
[Donald:] Well the Champion is now ceasing his softmories behavior and is climbing out of the trap onto the green.
[Champion:] Yee-Haw! (Charge at Skipijankings and Tackle him)
[Donald:] The Champion has just tackled long time friend, Mr. Skipijankings, I’ve never scene any thing like this.
[Skipijankings:] That’s it! I’m getting the Fuck out of here! You’re fucked up dude, you need some help!
[Champion:] Ya I need help fucking your wife!
[Skipijankings:] Fuck you! (Kick the Champion very hard!) Don’t you EVER TALK about my wife! I’ll FUKING KILL YOU MAN!
[Donald:] Hear Hear! Generally Tempered, long time friend Mr. Skipijankings now storming off the forced hole, not with out hearing some expletive words hurled at him by the classless lord of the lace. Tears streaming down his face, the Champion is now alone on the green left with mainly a 12 foot put. (Police sirens are going off) Who would of thought that a horn honk could bring about such disaster and disarray in one ma’s life. The Champion, now lining up his put, using the flag stick as his putter for some odd reason. He takes a few steps towards the hole, unbuckles his belt, The CHAMPION is defecating in the cup, and the gallery has scene enough! Not a moment too soon the police have arrived, and are advancing towards the champion slowly. In a last desperate act, the Champion holds the flag stick as if it were a large lance from medieval times, and runs full kilt in rage in his eyes towards the Officers.
[Officers (Begin firing guns)]
[Donald:] They Open fire. The champion has been shot. He is down on the green, he’s not moving, walking inching their way towards the champion, the officer checks the champion’s pulse, and signals to the other police that the Champion is sure enough dead. If you are just joining us Sunday May 7’th at 2:42 P.M. perhaps the greatest golfer of our time is diseased at age 39. My God have mercy on his sole. This has been Donald Hefington saying good day, and good golf.
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